Gambling Picks – Week 3 NFL

These are Kevin’s gambling picks for all sports the weekend of NFL Week 3. I’m not saying these are good picks, I’m simply posting them here so if I do well with my public recorded bets I can start selling my picks to desperate college kids, older guys who have $5,000 in bills and only $500 to his name so needs to hit a sure thing parlay to remain in his apartment, or FBI agents trying to bust me for illegal gambling.

Harvard @ Brown – Brown +20, $25: Ivy League teams in all collegiate sports (football and men’s hoops) suck. Anyone who is smart and good at football knows to go to a good football school to make it in the NFL. Everyone at Ivy League schools is smart, ipso facto none are good at football. The underdog in these matchups always covers, because they are too scrappy and hustle to much to get blown out by the favorite. **Editor’s Note: Had to double check and they are both Ivy League. There’s a school I can’t think of that I always assume is Ivy League and isn’t, so glad it’s not Harvard or Brown cus I would have looked dumb.

Washington State at USC – Washington State +4.5, $50: I’m a Pac-12, conference of Champions, guy ever since CU moved in. Honestly I really miss the Big 12 CU matchups, beating Nebraska a couple weeks ago was awesome. But that’s like being Brad Pitt, who grew up a farmer from Oklahoma, wishing he was still with his farm girl neighbor withs missing teeth who gave good handjobs growing up, while he is living in Hollywood having sex with models and sometimes his wife Angelina Jolie. Just like Brad I also forget about all farm teams, and am bringing my Pac 12 knowledge to you. I’m taking Washington State with the points because my friend Tyler said USC, Oregon and UCLA always lose against the spread.

Stanford at Oregon – Stanford -2, $50: Stanford isn’t the school I always mistakingly think is Ivy League in case you were wondering. It’s something on the east coast. Oregon’s high powered offense is back according to a score I saw at some point, but Stanford has a very solid all around team and pull out a win on the road.

Wisconsin at Iowa – Wisconsin -3, $50: I’m a certified Cheese Guy, and know my shit don’t even try and test me. Pepperjack is the best cheese followed by cheddar. Go ahead and call me a cheese simpleton, but they are popular because they are good. Would you want to fly in a rare, Italian plane that has been getting moldy in a basement for 3 years….or fly in a plane that is popular because it works like a Boeing 747? Cheese Guys have pride and get revenge, and Wisconsin comes back strong now that last week’s bad home loss to BYU has soaked in. BYU students don’t come but they do soak. That’s where two people have sex but just put it in and sit there, the way God wanted college sex to be.

Los Angeles Chargers at Los Angeles Rams – Chargers +7, $50: The Battle of the City of Angels is back, and all the NFL fans in LA will be going crazy on Sunday hoping their team can get a bit win in this heated rivalry. And after they watch the Raiders @ Dolphins game they may even keep watching the game of the teams who play there that no one in LA gives a shit about. While it’s technically a home game for both teams, luckily it’s at the Rams stadium because only visitor fans go to Chargers games, and if the visitors have no fans like the Rams the stadium would be so quiet you can hear every “DANG NABBIT!!!” Phil Rivers says. That’s unbearable. I like getting points instead of giving them away so going Chargers.

FIRST HALF ONLY LINE – Broncos at Ravens: Broncos -3, $50: I’m an objective reporter now so don’t like teams, but I used to like the Broncos so remember how it feels to root for something. The Broncos are trash in the first half, on the road playing a 9am Denver time kickoff, and can still come back to win the game after I win this bet. And the great thing about betting against your own team is you aren’t too bummed either way. RISKY BET WARNING: if head coach Vance Joseph has watched The Wire recently he may spend Saturday Night trying to bust the people in the show or warn them about the cops sting operation or something, so won’t be prepared to coach Sunday. In the case of Coach Joe, no game plan is the best game plan, so a Broncos team running vanilla plays instead of stupid plays means a hot start and the bet is ruined.

Broncos at Ravens (full game): Over 44.5, $50: Ten years ago today at a college party, a woman we barely knew passed out and pooped herself on the couch, ruining the couch. The Broncos are even looser against the tight end than that girl, which means the Ravens will be moving the ball. The No Fly Zone is missing most of their members, and the Broncos offense has been working out the kinks. Broncos vs Ravens sounds like a defensive battle, but this year it’s not. FREE FACT: The last time the Broncos played the Ravens in September, Peyton threw 7 touchdown passes.

Packers at Redskins: Over 45.5, $50: Aaron Rodgers will play and the Packers defense stinks.

Colts at Eagles: Colts +7, $50: Carson Wentz is ready to soak in the spotlight again (I’m not sure if he is Amish or if the Amish soak too) but his first game in 10 months will surely have some hiccups. Andrew Luck, who only looks Amish but isn’t and definitely soaks, has looked good. I think the Colts have a great shot of winning outright, but since my only gambling philosophy is to play it safe I’m taking the points.

@TitansTok

In honor of Broncos signing Case Keenum: The Biggest Free Agent QB Flops

The Denver Broncos, the official NFL team of Titans Tok, signed Case Keenum to presumably be their starting quarterback for the 2018 season. There is chatter going around about him being a big free agent QB flop (which is debatable since he is only 6’1″ and 210 pounds, a small to mid-sized flop by NFL QB standards) and we’re here to show that there are way bigger QB flops out there so fans of the Broncos need not worry about having the biggest free agent QB flop.

JaMarcus Russell:

Jamarcus

Officially listed at 6’6″ and 260 pounds, JaMarcus Russell is the consensus biggest flop ever to be taken first overall in the NFL draft. I think his weight is at least 100 pounds higher than listed, and you can see in the photo he needs multiple boxes of pizza to stack on and he never was able to shed his body fat.

You may be saying, “He’s a huge flop, but only a draft flop as he was never signed once he was released by the Raiders”. That is true, but since he has been a free agent for 7 years that is much more impressive than Case Keenum who was only a free agent for a couple hours.

Big Ben Roethlisberger: Let’s break down the label piece by piece.

“Big” – Big Ben Roethlisberger is a no brainer for this list. If the best word to describe you is “Big” and that turns into your nickname, that means you are big. Officially listed at 6’5″ 241 pounds, he has 4+ inches and 30+ pounds on Case Keenum. Once again, I think he’s actually twice the size of Keenum so I’m not sure how they figure out the weight of fat QBs.

“Free” Agent – Most people who are accused of sexual crimes end up behind bars. Big Ben has been accused of doing illegal sexual activities in a casino and in the bathroom of a dive bar, but charges were not filed in either case. Until he ends up behind bars we must legally assume his innocence and call him a free agent man.

“Flop” – Watch the diva Big Ben barely get touched here and somehow wind up on the ground pretending to be hurt. It’s pathetic. Americans make fun of soccer players for flopping all the time but turn a blind eye to when stars of their favorite sport try to win an Emmy award for best actor.

 

Needless to say, at worst Case Keenum will be a mid-sized flop as a free agent quarterback. It could be cool to draft Baker Mayfield so the Broncos have one of each of a small (Mayfield), Medium (Keenum) and Large (Paxton Lynch) QB flop on their roster at the same time like one of those eggs.

eggs

 

Jared Lorenzen:

Lorenzen is known for having an accurate arm, the ability to move up in the pocket and a great feel for reading defenses. The main knock against Lorenzen is the inability to throw deep outs without the ball sailing.

Not really, he is just known for being really fat. Pretty good for how fat he is (6’4″ and 315 pounds, 105 more than Case Keenum for those counting at home who can’t do basic math). It’s crazy he made the NFL, even though it was just bouncing around a bit as a backup. Here are some pictures of the biggest QB flop in NFL free agency this year.

Happy Birthday, Chili’s! (The untold History of Climbing a 14er at Chili’s)

What kind of filthy animal forgets to wish a loved one a happy birthday on their special day? Chili’s turns 43 today (March 13th), and Chili’s is far from lame and middle aged like all you 43 year olds out there reading Titans Tok (43 year olds are our 6th largest demographic)

Chili's bathroom tattoo
Tattoos last forever just like I thought all day every day happy hour at Chili’s would

Chili’s can be the butt of bad jokes focused on chain restaurants, but the fact of the matter is Chili’s has top notch food at good prices. There is no better place to hang out and drink 10-32 Coors Lights while you watch the games, and the staff is generally very friendly. Steak for $10-15 is a steal, and the Fajita Effect is real (once one person orders Fajita’s the likelihood of others in the restaurant also ordering Fajita’s due to the sound and smell sky rockets. This fact brought to you by conversations and study I have done at Chili’s.)

So, Cheers to another year of Bold Flavors and ice cold drinks, Chili’s!

Chili’s has always been awesome, but here is a quick summary of why Chili’s is the top dog in the bar and restaurant pound. In August of 2012, one of my friends (We’ll call him Tyler) had his birthday on a Monday. My other friend (We’ll call this one Nick) and I had partied the night before since Sunday partying was possible for me back in my early 20’s. We decided to go to Chili’s for lunch and soak up some patch-me-up cold ones.

Tyler met us late and was a round behind, and we were feeling good by the time Nick and I were at 14 beers and Tyler was at 12. Keep in mind back in the day Chili’s served 10 ounce beers, and had 2 for 1 happy hour all day every day. So the beers came in 2’s and cost $3.50 for each pair. We asked to keep the used empty mugs on the table, which didn’t help our cause of drinking a bunch, but also didn’t play a factor in getting us cut off. Point being, we are idiots for not taking a picture because it was pretty rockin’ to see 40 empty Chili’s mugs filling up our table.

IMG_20180313_201034.jpg
Do these look familiar? These are the old 10 ounce mugs that were served in 2’s. They are no longer in any Chili’s locations, but luckily I acquired 4 of them that I use at home to relive the glory days.

We were pretty buzzed but far from actually drunk at this point, and the waiter notified us that he couldn’t bring us more beers. We played it off cool by telling the guy who had brought us 14 beers each that we weren’t that drunk. The waiter agreed, but the computer system at Chili’s doesn’t allow a customer to get served more than 14 alcoholic drinks. Why 14? No idea. I’m guessing they had to put something in there and decided to go with a number that they figured no one would ever hit.

The computer cutting us off is a convenient excuse, right? It seemed the waiter was a shifty character who needs to be liked by everyone, so tried to pin the disappoint of three young lads on software instead of his own poor judgment.

But alas we checked at many locations, and they all cut us off at 14 beers.

In Colorado there are 58 (shoutout Von Miller) mountains at least 14,000 feet. Among the high climbers here they brag about how many 14ers they have climbed. Since myself, Nick, Tyler and a guy we will call Tony, are four sharp and witty gents, we named drinking successfully drinking the full allotment of beers at Chili’s ‘climbing a 14er’.

As time marches on, things change. Sometimes for the worse (which we’ll get to) and sometimes for the better. Our first break was a lucky one.

Sometime in 2013/2014, Chili’s redid their point of sale system software and got rid of the 14 beer limit! We were no longer caged animals, and now could roam free like a lion in the open prairie, only stopped by waiter/waitress judgment and our own physical limitations.

Valentines Day 2014 – Going for the all time record, which at this point was 26 ten ounce beers, Tyler got to 30! Mount Everest is just shy of 30,000 feet so this feat was nicknamed climbing Everest.

Subsequent to this, personal records were set by Nick (31?), Tony (32?) and myself (31/32?) making us the baddest boys on the block. The 4 headed monster of Chili’s beer drinking mountain climbing.

I said that bad news was coming, and I didn’t lie. Come October of 2016, Chili’s marketing made a big fuck up. They got rid of all day 2 for 1 happy hour (They still have it, but not during the good times to drink 10-32 beers) and also got rid of all 10 ounce mugs. Now they offer a 22 ounce mug for about the same price as the 2 for 1 ten ounce mugs used to cost. They think it’s a win for the consumer, but it’s a huge huge loss. Drinking even 14 of the new style size of beers is nearly impossible (legal talk: DO NOT ATTEMPT) let alone 30. What’s the fun of bragging to your friends about pounding 8 beers at Chili’s over the weekend? HINT: It’s not that much fun.

Through the ups and downs, thick and thin, good times and bad times, Chili’s is the GOAT. There is no other restaurant’s logo I would be as proud to have as the Chili’s chili pepper. Maybe Olive Garden, but probably not.

Use promo code #TitansTok when checking out at Chili’s. We do not have an agreement in place with Chili’s yet, but I think if I drive enough business to them and they know it’s me, I may be able to get a gig high up in Chili’s hierarchy. But this promotion is completely free, and honestly is the least I can do for Chili’s on their birthday.

Stay tuned for more articles on Chili’s on Titans Tok!

If the Titans were Always Sunny/The Office/Parks and Rec Characters

Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Office, and Parks and Rec are three classic TV series and the favorites of the Titans Tok team (based in Denver, CO). This begs the question, which character would these Titans players be if they were on these 3 shows?

 

Bud Adams – Frank (Danny Devito in Always Sunny): Frank Reynolds in Always Sunny, played by Danny DeVito, is questionably the father of the rest of the cast and a human piece of garbage whose issues with height and alcohol make him a disgusting human. Frank’s only redeeming quality is having money from his success as a businessman.

Enter Bud Adams, the late (RIP, Bud) owner of the Tennessee Titans. He was an oil guy and a Cherokee, so he basically robbed the earth his tribe protected and sold the oil from his Houston based businesses to get enough cash to buy a football team. He couldn’t play by the rules of existing leagues so he had to create his own league, the AFL, just to fit in.

Bud AdamsFrank

Bud and Frank were both responsible for creating a life for their respective organizations, both played night crawlers (turning the lights off and pretending to be a worm with a guy in their 30’s) while in their 70’s, and both had fake hair that fell off on the dance floor. They both had friends because of their money and really got crazy with life by balancing out their beer and snortski’s.

 

Marcus Mariota – Tom Haverford (Aziz Ansari in Parks and Rec): Marcus Mariota is the highly drafted Hawaiian QB of the Titans. Tom Haverford is the flashy Parks and Rec Employee who fails to perform at a high level and would never do anything that may get him dirty who flashes athleticism but is unable to put it all together.

MariotaTom haverford

Mariota played college football at the University of Oregon where he won the Heisman Trophy in 2014. He’s a very white collar QB who looks his best in warm weather practices with no defense on the field. He is fragile, having never started every game in a season, and talks the talk but can’t walk the walk.

Both Mariota and Ansari/Haverford look exotic race wise, but both are born in the United States so aren’t foreigners. Neither one has any African American in their blood according to Google, but if they were a quarter black no one would be surprised due to their dark complexion. In short, both are pretty high up there on the Tiger Woods list of people looking up what race their parents are.

Mike Mularkey – Toby Flenderson (The Office) : Former Titans head coach Mike Mularkey and Toby Flenderson, the HR guy from The Office, are basically the exact same person.They are nice and do their job very well, but at the end of the day are Beta’s so they can’t gain the respect of people who should respect them.

Mike MularkeyToby Flenderson

Both Mularkey and Toby make it clear that their balls are small by getting bullied around by morons who should not bully anyone, Michael Scott (Character played by Steve Carrell in The Office) and Clay Travis (Character played by Clay Travis in real life who pretends to be a super republican idiot). Don’t get me wrong, Michael Scott and Clay Travis are both excellent characters, but grown men should not let angry little midgets boss them around by constantly calling for them to lose their job.

Taylor Lewan – Fat Mac (Rob McElhenney in Always Sunny) – Here at Titans Tok we’re big fans of Taylor Lewan, the Pro Bowl Left Tackle who played college ball in Michigan. He’s a dude’s dude who is covered in tats and got arrested for kicking the shit out of an Ohio State fan at a bar. He’s constantly mixing it up on the field as a bad boy, and just like Fat Mac from Always Sunny, he models his fighting game after iconic action movies starring Sylvestor Stallone.

Taylor LewanFat Mac

Fat Mac never stops eating, and uses his fat as a tool to be funnier. Fat people are funnier, and both Taylor Lewan and Fat Mac are huge dudes who are loud and outrageous.

P.S. – Fat Mac didn’t wear a fat suit. He actually gained like 50 pounds in the time between the end of season 6 and start of season 7 when he played the same character he had the whole time, just fat.

Harry Douglas – Councilman Jeremy Jamm (Parks and Rec) : Harry Douglas is a untalented wide receiver on the Tennessee Titans who most of the NFL hates as a cheap shot artist after acts like a clear cheap shot of Broncos’ CB Chris Harris Jr., which resulted in a sidelines brawl featuring Harry Douglas and Aqib Talib. In short he’s a filthy rat who wouldn’t be remembered as a football player if he wasn’t a dick.

Harry DouglasJeremy Jamm

Jeremy Jamm is the top enemy of Leslie Knope in Parks and Rec, and wouldn’t be remembered if he didn’t pull dirty moves or have a lame signature line, “You just got Jammed”. Councilman Jamm got drunk and tried to ruin the wedding of the main couple in the show, until Ron Swanson punched him in the face.

Both Harry Douglas and Jeremy Jamm are guys that everyone wants to punch in the face.

Thanks for hearing us Tok Titans. Remember to follow us on twitter @titanstok

K$ is gonna bring Titans focused Tok in 2018!

Hi loyal readers,

Titans Tok Kevin (K-Money on the streets) here. I’m a Broncos fan – always have been and always will be. If the Broncos play the Titans, I’m rooting for the ‘Cos no question. But from being a Titans fan and bad boy blogger since November 2017, I’ve realized that I can’t stop providing the best Denver-based Titans’ Tok and humor to the internet. Sign me up for another season of bringing my Titans heat on this blog in addition to Broncos, Rockies, NBA and guy humor intertwined to the Titans Tok Family, especially Nick, Gilbet, NFL Insider Timmy, and our over 1,000 twitter followers (humble and not a brag)

It’s been a tough off season for me and this decision weighed heavier than Nick Foles’ giant peener. I like the Titans and the city of Nashville, and this year realized that NBA teams are more like homes than significant others. The Broncos are my main home which I love and keep my clothes, Chili’s gift cards, and triple TV set up. The Titans are my New Orleans second home just off Bourbon Street. I’d be fucking stupid to give up my second home just because my main house might not have as many problems this upcoming year.

Some friends have acted like being the best blogger of a team besides my primary team is some sort of grave sin I ought to tuck my tail between my legs in shame for. (Side note: If my tail is 4 inches it would be the longest thing when it’s tucked between my legs so there’s the answer to what you are wondering) That’s simply not the case. It’s not like a girlfriend/wife where you’re a piece of shit to even consider anything besides the one you’re with. Anyone who thinks I’m wrong here is a reverse Mormon into some weird shit since you are committed to being monogamous with just one set of 53 dudes, 10+ coaches and  GM but unwilling to also root and provide the best content for a second set of the same thing.

So nothing is going to change, except that I’ll bury the hatchet on if I’m going to be a bandwagon Titans fan again. I’m now a PERMANENT bandwagon Titans fan. Luckily I’m the proud owner of the Swagon so that will be my bandwagon. Saving $$$ so I can focus on telling crass jokes not shopping for a new wagon.Pic of swagon

The one thing we are going to do some digging into soon at Titans Tok is the new head coach, Mike Vrabel. Vrabel has experience as a player or coach for three teams I fucking hate – Texans, Patriots and Chiefs and one team I would hate if my dad wasn’t from the area, the Pittsburgh Steelers. This seems to be a classic case of firing a good employee due to well documented Erectile Dysfunction problems (2017 Titans’ Head Coach Mike Mularkey) and replacing him by a guy with a beard because Titans’ Owner Bud Adams thinks having a beard means high testosterone which means no peener probs which means a good football leader. If anything Vrabel’s beard just shows he’s covering up being more than 50% gay on that spectrum, but this is a Sports and Humor blog not a beard/sexual orientation blog. The evidence is out there for that, just google “Gay Beard” and you can do your own research.

Please follow us on Twitter @TitansTok and let us know what content you would like to see going forward. If you have a hookup for any interesting guests we would love to have them on the podcast. Unfortunately we have oversold ads for the podcast so can not accomodate any companies looking to pay to advertise until after the NFL Draft.

Titan up!

Coach Mike Mularkey needs to go (but not get fired) – Front Door Guy Zone Probs Explained

The Titans are struggling, and besides Taylor Lewan not growing out a rockin’ pony, there is one more obvious issue that may be holding the Titans back – The Front Door Guy Zone Probs of head coach Mike Mularkey.

Titans Twitter has been going crazy with Coach M’s play calling and question whether he has balls to do stuff like limit DeMarco Murray’s touches.

All these stats are great but the coach is an idiot. So doesn’t matter. Mularkey is caving to a big name contract player with pedigree. Doesn’t have the balls to limit Murray’s touches because of ineffectiveness

Heeb‏ @Helmathedog Dec 21 2017

It’s pretty clear that Coach M doesn’t have two working balls and a man hog that’s working correctly as evidenced by the Titans 3-4 record since Titans Tok started being fans of the team. We’ll get to potential major front door guy zone probs momentarily, but let’s start with minor front door probs Mike has shown in his career.

It’s a little known fact for good reason that no one remembers his playing career as a tight end in the NFL since he scored 9 touchdowns in 9 seasons. One of the plays he was tackled on must have nudged his bladder out of place because he always has to take a piss at the end of halves which costs the team in situations where they need to take a timeout to score before time runs out but he has to hit the john.

Coach Mularkey is ½ of Cam Cameron’s coaching tree (the other half is an inappropriate name we probably shouldn’t say since kids could be reading, but his name is Jon Heac*ck who was a head coach at Youngstown State for a while). Cam Cameron was fired after his first season in Miami and Mularkey was demoted to Tight End coach the next year. The Jaguars decided to take a chance on Mularkey as their head coach in 2011 in part because he’s part of Cam Cameron’s coaching tree.

What the Jags didn’t know when they hired Coach M was that he (allegedly) can’t go more than an hour without taking a wiz. Behind closed doors after Coach Mularkey’s first season as head coach in Jacksonville, the Jags owner at the time Wayne Weaver (allegedly) asked Mularkey to drink a 12 ounce Gatorade and stay in his office for a two hour end of season review. When Mularkey couldn’t hold it any more his time as a coach in Jacksonville ended while his urine stream started in Mr. Weaver’s office bathroom.

What we don’t know is if the size of Mularkey’s front door guy zone main hose has anything to do with his lackluster playcalling. It’s assumed that if he was remarkable in the guy zone size department one way or the other rumors would have spread during his playing days like they do in the current day for Big Dick Nick Foles on the Eagles.

So what we’re left with is a head coach whose front door guy zone can’t handle the pressure late in a half with less than two balls and an average sized guy hose, which is likely bigger now than it was when he showered in the NFL since he has children which (allegedly) adds 20-40% of size.

Good coaches fit their scheme to the players they have, and a good organization ought to fit their situation to the coaches front door guy zone areas of concern. The Titans haven’t done coach M any favors by surrounding him by older guys who likely have their own frequent urination problems. Offensive Coordinator Terry Robiskie is 63 and Defensive Coordinator Charles Richard LeBeau (Known as Defense Dick) is 80 years old. Based on the looks of things (http://www.titansonline.com/team/coaches.html) the Titans would be best served to have two Port-o-Potty’s on the sidelines for coaches, and rotate use of one for coaches to pee during the game so at most one coach is off the sideline at any point and everyone can focus on the game and not on bouncing between feet to hold it in toward the end of halves. The other john will actually be the Titans Concussion room so the opposing team and Goodell won’t know whether a player is taking a piss or has a concussion.

The Titans will need a leader who coaches like he has multiple balls even if that’s not the case and who has patience to make the right call that only comes with football knowledge and an empty bladder if they have a chance to beat the Jags Sunday and advance to the playoffs. Things won’t be quite as personal for Mularkey since the owner who shamed him into peeing his way into losing his job, Wayne Weaver, sold the team to Shahid Khan. But there’s still enough bad blood for Mularkey to get the Titans pumped up to play on Sunday, hopefully none of that blood is in Coach M’s urine.

 

Coach Mike Mularkey needs to go, but not get fired.

Kevin and Nick both interview Gilbet

We had our good pal and recurring guest Gilbet into the studio to talk work schedules, breaking news that he doesn’t know who will start at QB for the Broncos, and more breaking news that he doesn’t know if Kirk Cousins is worth more than Brock Osweiler to the Broncos. The first half is Kevin’s interview with Gilbet and the second half is Nick chatting with Gilbot.