The Titans are struggling, and besides Taylor Lewan not growing out a rockin’ pony, there is one more obvious issue that may be holding the Titans back – The Front Door Guy Zone Probs of head coach Mike Mularkey.
Titans Twitter has been going crazy with Coach M’s play calling and question whether he has balls to do stuff like limit DeMarco Murray’s touches.
All these stats are great but the coach is an idiot. So doesn’t matter. Mularkey is caving to a big name contract player with pedigree. Doesn’t have the balls to limit Murray’s touches because of ineffectiveness
It’s pretty clear that Coach M doesn’t have two working balls and a man hog that’s working correctly as evidenced by the Titans 3-4 record since Titans Tok started being fans of the team. We’ll get to potential major front door guy zone probs momentarily, but let’s start with minor front door probs Mike has shown in his career.
It’s a little known fact for good reason that no one remembers his playing career as a tight end in the NFL since he scored 9 touchdowns in 9 seasons. One of the plays he was tackled on must have nudged his bladder out of place because he always has to take a piss at the end of halves which costs the team in situations where they need to take a timeout to score before time runs out but he has to hit the john.
Coach Mularkey is ½ of Cam Cameron’s coaching tree (the other half is an inappropriate name we probably shouldn’t say since kids could be reading, but his name is Jon Heac*ck who was a head coach at Youngstown State for a while). Cam Cameron was fired after his first season in Miami and Mularkey was demoted to Tight End coach the next year. The Jaguars decided to take a chance on Mularkey as their head coach in 2011 in part because he’s part of Cam Cameron’s coaching tree.
What the Jags didn’t know when they hired Coach M was that he (allegedly) can’t go more than an hour without taking a wiz. Behind closed doors after Coach Mularkey’s first season as head coach in Jacksonville, the Jags owner at the time Wayne Weaver (allegedly) asked Mularkey to drink a 12 ounce Gatorade and stay in his office for a two hour end of season review. When Mularkey couldn’t hold it any more his time as a coach in Jacksonville ended while his urine stream started in Mr. Weaver’s office bathroom.
What we don’t know is if the size of Mularkey’s front door guy zone main hose has anything to do with his lackluster playcalling. It’s assumed that if he was remarkable in the guy zone size department one way or the other rumors would have spread during his playing days like they do in the current day for Big Dick Nick Foles on the Eagles.
So what we’re left with is a head coach whose front door guy zone can’t handle the pressure late in a half with less than two balls and an average sized guy hose, which is likely bigger now than it was when he showered in the NFL since he has children which (allegedly) adds 20-40% of size.
Good coaches fit their scheme to the players they have, and a good organization ought to fit their situation to the coaches front door guy zone areas of concern. The Titans haven’t done coach M any favors by surrounding him by older guys who likely have their own frequent urination problems. Offensive Coordinator Terry Robiskie is 63 and Defensive Coordinator Charles Richard LeBeau (Known as Defense Dick) is 80 years old. Based on the looks of things (http://www.titansonline.com/team/coaches.html) the Titans would be best served to have two Port-o-Potty’s on the sidelines for coaches, and rotate use of one for coaches to pee during the game so at most one coach is off the sideline at any point and everyone can focus on the game and not on bouncing between feet to hold it in toward the end of halves. The other john will actually be the Titans Concussion room so the opposing team and Goodell won’t know whether a player is taking a piss or has a concussion.
The Titans will need a leader who coaches like he has multiple balls even if that’s not the case and who has patience to make the right call that only comes with football knowledge and an empty bladder if they have a chance to beat the Jags Sunday and advance to the playoffs. Things won’t be quite as personal for Mularkey since the owner who shamed him into peeing his way into losing his job, Wayne Weaver, sold the team to Shahid Khan. But there’s still enough bad blood for Mularkey to get the Titans pumped up to play on Sunday, hopefully none of that blood is in Coach M’s urine.
Coach Mike Mularkey needs to go, but not get fired.