These are Kevin’s gambling picks for all sports the weekend of NFL Week 3. I’m not saying these are good picks, I’m simply posting them here so if I do well with my public recorded bets I can start selling my picks to desperate college kids, older guys who have $5,000 in bills and only $500 to his name so needs to hit a sure thing parlay to remain in his apartment, or FBI agents trying to bust me for illegal gambling.
Harvard @ Brown – Brown +20, $25: Ivy League teams in all collegiate sports (football and men’s hoops) suck. Anyone who is smart and good at football knows to go to a good football school to make it in the NFL. Everyone at Ivy League schools is smart, ipso facto none are good at football. The underdog in these matchups always covers, because they are too scrappy and hustle to much to get blown out by the favorite. **Editor’s Note: Had to double check and they are both Ivy League. There’s a school I can’t think of that I always assume is Ivy League and isn’t, so glad it’s not Harvard or Brown cus I would have looked dumb.
Washington State at USC – Washington State +4.5, $50: I’m a Pac-12, conference of Champions, guy ever since CU moved in. Honestly I really miss the Big 12 CU matchups, beating Nebraska a couple weeks ago was awesome. But that’s like being Brad Pitt, who grew up a farmer from Oklahoma, wishing he was still with his farm girl neighbor withs missing teeth who gave good handjobs growing up, while he is living in Hollywood having sex with models and sometimes his wife Angelina Jolie. Just like Brad I also forget about all farm teams, and am bringing my Pac 12 knowledge to you. I’m taking Washington State with the points because my friend Tyler said USC, Oregon and UCLA always lose against the spread.
Stanford at Oregon – Stanford -2, $50: Stanford isn’t the school I always mistakingly think is Ivy League in case you were wondering. It’s something on the east coast. Oregon’s high powered offense is back according to a score I saw at some point, but Stanford has a very solid all around team and pull out a win on the road.
Wisconsin at Iowa – Wisconsin -3, $50: I’m a certified Cheese Guy, and know my shit don’t even try and test me. Pepperjack is the best cheese followed by cheddar. Go ahead and call me a cheese simpleton, but they are popular because they are good. Would you want to fly in a rare, Italian plane that has been getting moldy in a basement for 3 years….or fly in a plane that is popular because it works like a Boeing 747? Cheese Guys have pride and get revenge, and Wisconsin comes back strong now that last week’s bad home loss to BYU has soaked in. BYU students don’t come but they do soak. That’s where two people have sex but just put it in and sit there, the way God wanted college sex to be.
Los Angeles Chargers at Los Angeles Rams – Chargers +7, $50: The Battle of the City of Angels is back, and all the NFL fans in LA will be going crazy on Sunday hoping their team can get a bit win in this heated rivalry. And after they watch the Raiders @ Dolphins game they may even keep watching the game of the teams who play there that no one in LA gives a shit about. While it’s technically a home game for both teams, luckily it’s at the Rams stadium because only visitor fans go to Chargers games, and if the visitors have no fans like the Rams the stadium would be so quiet you can hear every “DANG NABBIT!!!” Phil Rivers says. That’s unbearable. I like getting points instead of giving them away so going Chargers.
FIRST HALF ONLY LINE – Broncos at Ravens: Broncos -3, $50: I’m an objective reporter now so don’t like teams, but I used to like the Broncos so remember how it feels to root for something. The Broncos are trash in the first half, on the road playing a 9am Denver time kickoff, and can still come back to win the game after I win this bet. And the great thing about betting against your own team is you aren’t too bummed either way. RISKY BET WARNING: if head coach Vance Joseph has watched The Wire recently he may spend Saturday Night trying to bust the people in the show or warn them about the cops sting operation or something, so won’t be prepared to coach Sunday. In the case of Coach Joe, no game plan is the best game plan, so a Broncos team running vanilla plays instead of stupid plays means a hot start and the bet is ruined.
Broncos at Ravens (full game): Over 44.5, $50: Ten years ago today at a college party, a woman we barely knew passed out and pooped herself on the couch, ruining the couch. The Broncos are even looser against the tight end than that girl, which means the Ravens will be moving the ball. The No Fly Zone is missing most of their members, and the Broncos offense has been working out the kinks. Broncos vs Ravens sounds like a defensive battle, but this year it’s not. FREE FACT: The last time the Broncos played the Ravens in September, Peyton threw 7 touchdown passes.
Packers at Redskins: Over 45.5, $50: Aaron Rodgers will play and the Packers defense stinks.
Colts at Eagles: Colts +7, $50: Carson Wentz is ready to soak in the spotlight again (I’m not sure if he is Amish or if the Amish soak too) but his first game in 10 months will surely have some hiccups. Andrew Luck, who only looks Amish but isn’t and definitely soaks, has looked good. I think the Colts have a great shot of winning outright, but since my only gambling philosophy is to play it safe I’m taking the points.