Gambling Picks – Week 3 NFL

These are Kevin’s gambling picks for all sports the weekend of NFL Week 3. I’m not saying these are good picks, I’m simply posting them here so if I do well with my public recorded bets I can start selling my picks to desperate college kids, older guys who have $5,000 in bills and only $500 to his name so needs to hit a sure thing parlay to remain in his apartment, or FBI agents trying to bust me for illegal gambling.

Harvard @ Brown – Brown +20, $25: Ivy League teams in all collegiate sports (football and men’s hoops) suck. Anyone who is smart and good at football knows to go to a good football school to make it in the NFL. Everyone at Ivy League schools is smart, ipso facto none are good at football. The underdog in these matchups always covers, because they are too scrappy and hustle to much to get blown out by the favorite. **Editor’s Note: Had to double check and they are both Ivy League. There’s a school I can’t think of that I always assume is Ivy League and isn’t, so glad it’s not Harvard or Brown cus I would have looked dumb.

Washington State at USC – Washington State +4.5, $50: I’m a Pac-12, conference of Champions, guy ever since CU moved in. Honestly I really miss the Big 12 CU matchups, beating Nebraska a couple weeks ago was awesome. But that’s like being Brad Pitt, who grew up a farmer from Oklahoma, wishing he was still with his farm girl neighbor withs missing teeth who gave good handjobs growing up, while he is living in Hollywood having sex with models and sometimes his wife Angelina Jolie. Just like Brad I also forget about all farm teams, and am bringing my Pac 12 knowledge to you. I’m taking Washington State with the points because my friend Tyler said USC, Oregon and UCLA always lose against the spread.

Stanford at Oregon – Stanford -2, $50: Stanford isn’t the school I always mistakingly think is Ivy League in case you were wondering. It’s something on the east coast. Oregon’s high powered offense is back according to a score I saw at some point, but Stanford has a very solid all around team and pull out a win on the road.

Wisconsin at Iowa – Wisconsin -3, $50: I’m a certified Cheese Guy, and know my shit don’t even try and test me. Pepperjack is the best cheese followed by cheddar. Go ahead and call me a cheese simpleton, but they are popular because they are good. Would you want to fly in a rare, Italian plane that has been getting moldy in a basement for 3 years….or fly in a plane that is popular because it works like a Boeing 747? Cheese Guys have pride and get revenge, and Wisconsin comes back strong now that last week’s bad home loss to BYU has soaked in. BYU students don’t come but they do soak. That’s where two people have sex but just put it in and sit there, the way God wanted college sex to be.

Los Angeles Chargers at Los Angeles Rams – Chargers +7, $50: The Battle of the City of Angels is back, and all the NFL fans in LA will be going crazy on Sunday hoping their team can get a bit win in this heated rivalry. And after they watch the Raiders @ Dolphins game they may even keep watching the game of the teams who play there that no one in LA gives a shit about. While it’s technically a home game for both teams, luckily it’s at the Rams stadium because only visitor fans go to Chargers games, and if the visitors have no fans like the Rams the stadium would be so quiet you can hear every “DANG NABBIT!!!” Phil Rivers says. That’s unbearable. I like getting points instead of giving them away so going Chargers.

FIRST HALF ONLY LINE – Broncos at Ravens: Broncos -3, $50: I’m an objective reporter now so don’t like teams, but I used to like the Broncos so remember how it feels to root for something. The Broncos are trash in the first half, on the road playing a 9am Denver time kickoff, and can still come back to win the game after I win this bet. And the great thing about betting against your own team is you aren’t too bummed either way. RISKY BET WARNING: if head coach Vance Joseph has watched The Wire recently he may spend Saturday Night trying to bust the people in the show or warn them about the cops sting operation or something, so won’t be prepared to coach Sunday. In the case of Coach Joe, no game plan is the best game plan, so a Broncos team running vanilla plays instead of stupid plays means a hot start and the bet is ruined.

Broncos at Ravens (full game): Over 44.5, $50: Ten years ago today at a college party, a woman we barely knew passed out and pooped herself on the couch, ruining the couch. The Broncos are even looser against the tight end than that girl, which means the Ravens will be moving the ball. The No Fly Zone is missing most of their members, and the Broncos offense has been working out the kinks. Broncos vs Ravens sounds like a defensive battle, but this year it’s not. FREE FACT: The last time the Broncos played the Ravens in September, Peyton threw 7 touchdown passes.

Packers at Redskins: Over 45.5, $50: Aaron Rodgers will play and the Packers defense stinks.

Colts at Eagles: Colts +7, $50: Carson Wentz is ready to soak in the spotlight again (I’m not sure if he is Amish or if the Amish soak too) but his first game in 10 months will surely have some hiccups. Andrew Luck, who only looks Amish but isn’t and definitely soaks, has looked good. I think the Colts have a great shot of winning outright, but since my only gambling philosophy is to play it safe I’m taking the points.

@TitansTok

If the Titans were Always Sunny/The Office/Parks and Rec Characters

Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Office, and Parks and Rec are three classic TV series and the favorites of the Titans Tok team (based in Denver, CO). This begs the question, which character would these Titans players be if they were on these 3 shows?

 

Bud Adams – Frank (Danny Devito in Always Sunny): Frank Reynolds in Always Sunny, played by Danny DeVito, is questionably the father of the rest of the cast and a human piece of garbage whose issues with height and alcohol make him a disgusting human. Frank’s only redeeming quality is having money from his success as a businessman.

Enter Bud Adams, the late (RIP, Bud) owner of the Tennessee Titans. He was an oil guy and a Cherokee, so he basically robbed the earth his tribe protected and sold the oil from his Houston based businesses to get enough cash to buy a football team. He couldn’t play by the rules of existing leagues so he had to create his own league, the AFL, just to fit in.

Bud AdamsFrank

Bud and Frank were both responsible for creating a life for their respective organizations, both played night crawlers (turning the lights off and pretending to be a worm with a guy in their 30’s) while in their 70’s, and both had fake hair that fell off on the dance floor. They both had friends because of their money and really got crazy with life by balancing out their beer and snortski’s.

 

Marcus Mariota – Tom Haverford (Aziz Ansari in Parks and Rec): Marcus Mariota is the highly drafted Hawaiian QB of the Titans. Tom Haverford is the flashy Parks and Rec Employee who fails to perform at a high level and would never do anything that may get him dirty who flashes athleticism but is unable to put it all together.

MariotaTom haverford

Mariota played college football at the University of Oregon where he won the Heisman Trophy in 2014. He’s a very white collar QB who looks his best in warm weather practices with no defense on the field. He is fragile, having never started every game in a season, and talks the talk but can’t walk the walk.

Both Mariota and Ansari/Haverford look exotic race wise, but both are born in the United States so aren’t foreigners. Neither one has any African American in their blood according to Google, but if they were a quarter black no one would be surprised due to their dark complexion. In short, both are pretty high up there on the Tiger Woods list of people looking up what race their parents are.

Mike Mularkey – Toby Flenderson (The Office) : Former Titans head coach Mike Mularkey and Toby Flenderson, the HR guy from The Office, are basically the exact same person.They are nice and do their job very well, but at the end of the day are Beta’s so they can’t gain the respect of people who should respect them.

Mike MularkeyToby Flenderson

Both Mularkey and Toby make it clear that their balls are small by getting bullied around by morons who should not bully anyone, Michael Scott (Character played by Steve Carrell in The Office) and Clay Travis (Character played by Clay Travis in real life who pretends to be a super republican idiot). Don’t get me wrong, Michael Scott and Clay Travis are both excellent characters, but grown men should not let angry little midgets boss them around by constantly calling for them to lose their job.

Taylor Lewan – Fat Mac (Rob McElhenney in Always Sunny) – Here at Titans Tok we’re big fans of Taylor Lewan, the Pro Bowl Left Tackle who played college ball in Michigan. He’s a dude’s dude who is covered in tats and got arrested for kicking the shit out of an Ohio State fan at a bar. He’s constantly mixing it up on the field as a bad boy, and just like Fat Mac from Always Sunny, he models his fighting game after iconic action movies starring Sylvestor Stallone.

Taylor LewanFat Mac

Fat Mac never stops eating, and uses his fat as a tool to be funnier. Fat people are funnier, and both Taylor Lewan and Fat Mac are huge dudes who are loud and outrageous.

P.S. – Fat Mac didn’t wear a fat suit. He actually gained like 50 pounds in the time between the end of season 6 and start of season 7 when he played the same character he had the whole time, just fat.

Harry Douglas – Councilman Jeremy Jamm (Parks and Rec) : Harry Douglas is a untalented wide receiver on the Tennessee Titans who most of the NFL hates as a cheap shot artist after acts like a clear cheap shot of Broncos’ CB Chris Harris Jr., which resulted in a sidelines brawl featuring Harry Douglas and Aqib Talib. In short he’s a filthy rat who wouldn’t be remembered as a football player if he wasn’t a dick.

Harry DouglasJeremy Jamm

Jeremy Jamm is the top enemy of Leslie Knope in Parks and Rec, and wouldn’t be remembered if he didn’t pull dirty moves or have a lame signature line, “You just got Jammed”. Councilman Jamm got drunk and tried to ruin the wedding of the main couple in the show, until Ron Swanson punched him in the face.

Both Harry Douglas and Jeremy Jamm are guys that everyone wants to punch in the face.

Thanks for hearing us Tok Titans. Remember to follow us on twitter @titanstok

K$ is gonna bring Titans focused Tok in 2018!

Hi loyal readers,

Titans Tok Kevin (K-Money on the streets) here. I’m a Broncos fan – always have been and always will be. If the Broncos play the Titans, I’m rooting for the ‘Cos no question. But from being a Titans fan and bad boy blogger since November 2017, I’ve realized that I can’t stop providing the best Denver-based Titans’ Tok and humor to the internet. Sign me up for another season of bringing my Titans heat on this blog in addition to Broncos, Rockies, NBA and guy humor intertwined to the Titans Tok Family, especially Nick, Gilbet, NFL Insider Timmy, and our over 1,000 twitter followers (humble and not a brag)

It’s been a tough off season for me and this decision weighed heavier than Nick Foles’ giant peener. I like the Titans and the city of Nashville, and this year realized that NBA teams are more like homes than significant others. The Broncos are my main home which I love and keep my clothes, Chili’s gift cards, and triple TV set up. The Titans are my New Orleans second home just off Bourbon Street. I’d be fucking stupid to give up my second home just because my main house might not have as many problems this upcoming year.

Some friends have acted like being the best blogger of a team besides my primary team is some sort of grave sin I ought to tuck my tail between my legs in shame for. (Side note: If my tail is 4 inches it would be the longest thing when it’s tucked between my legs so there’s the answer to what you are wondering) That’s simply not the case. It’s not like a girlfriend/wife where you’re a piece of shit to even consider anything besides the one you’re with. Anyone who thinks I’m wrong here is a reverse Mormon into some weird shit since you are committed to being monogamous with just one set of 53 dudes, 10+ coaches and  GM but unwilling to also root and provide the best content for a second set of the same thing.

So nothing is going to change, except that I’ll bury the hatchet on if I’m going to be a bandwagon Titans fan again. I’m now a PERMANENT bandwagon Titans fan. Luckily I’m the proud owner of the Swagon so that will be my bandwagon. Saving $$$ so I can focus on telling crass jokes not shopping for a new wagon.Pic of swagon

The one thing we are going to do some digging into soon at Titans Tok is the new head coach, Mike Vrabel. Vrabel has experience as a player or coach for three teams I fucking hate – Texans, Patriots and Chiefs and one team I would hate if my dad wasn’t from the area, the Pittsburgh Steelers. This seems to be a classic case of firing a good employee due to well documented Erectile Dysfunction problems (2017 Titans’ Head Coach Mike Mularkey) and replacing him by a guy with a beard because Titans’ Owner Bud Adams thinks having a beard means high testosterone which means no peener probs which means a good football leader. If anything Vrabel’s beard just shows he’s covering up being more than 50% gay on that spectrum, but this is a Sports and Humor blog not a beard/sexual orientation blog. The evidence is out there for that, just google “Gay Beard” and you can do your own research.

Please follow us on Twitter @TitansTok and let us know what content you would like to see going forward. If you have a hookup for any interesting guests we would love to have them on the podcast. Unfortunately we have oversold ads for the podcast so can not accomodate any companies looking to pay to advertise until after the NFL Draft.

Titan up!